Hello beautiful beings,
So after an incredible summer filled with further adventures, pilgrimages, life experiences, healing, plenty of nature exploring and simply being. I am back to share with you all.
It has been a deeply transformative time of letting go of all that holds me back, that keeps me from expressing myself from my souls alignment. Of seeing where I try to hide myself, lessen myself, dim my light, make excuses. Because there just isn’t time for that anymore. We came here to live in our full illuminated presence. To experience this world in total joy, clarity and aliveness.
I felt a need to turn away from my writing, my sharing, my videos as I let the internal processes strip me bare and reconfigure me. Allowing myself to shed the belief systems and fears that hold me back from what really lights me up. A deep commitment rising within me to share from a place of total authenticity, of inner alignment. Deep sacredness and clarity.
And so after walking through the grimy sludge, the messiness, the ickiness and gooeyness of all that is not clarity, I am back on solid ground. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the spaciousness and deeply grateful and in absolute joy for each moment of feeling in alignment, in the flow.
This morning the phrase came to me in the title and the inspiration to share something about the spiritual journey with you all.
There is an epidemic of searching in this world. And particularly in the new age community, the self help arena.
A script that runs within us, the mental chatter that keeps us in this place of lack, disguised as healing. Inner dialogues along the lines of…….If only I reach a certain place of discipline, attend this workshop that promises to free me of my childhood trauma. If I heal my repressed sexual dysfunctions, unblock my beliefs on abundance so that I can be a multimillionaire. If I embody my feminine essence or become an evolved awakened masculine warrior. If I sit on a cliff top praying to spirit with no food and water, if I finally have that soul tribe I crave so deeply. If the world is transformed into a sci-fi technological wonderland. If I reach true partnership with ‘the One’ (if I finally find them first), if I eat healthily and look the way I want to…….
Then…..and only then…… will I be enlightened, will I reach that inner place of finalised bliss. At this point I will softly float down the street, butterflies around my head, halo glowing above me. I will be complete. I will be whole. All those missing pieces will finally be stuck back together in the right configuration. The puzzle will be complete. And I can FINALLY be at peace!
Just one more workshop, one more event, one more yoga class, one more meditation and then I will ‘arrive’. As if spirituality is a tick box exercise and someone behind the curtain is keeping tabs, ready to give you your certificate of completion, your bouquet of flowers and rosary ribbon.
You have been awarded plus one for making that green smoothie this morning…good job. Minus one for swearing at that learner driver in the car this morning. Bonus plus 5 points for that 5 day silent retreat. Plus 1000 for choosing that service and compassion driven career, this is a sure way of reaching nirvana, it shows that I am a good person, you tell yourself.
Our mind tells us this little lie to keep us busy, because it fears its own destruction. That if only you make yourself a little better, then you will be good enough. If only you work through your old patterns you will be totally liberated. If you assign the help of a relationship expert or complete that online course, you will have the most amazingly perfect partnership that is exactly what YOU want. And if you go to one more energy healer, that persistent pain and problem will be overcome and you will be glowing with vitality for the rest of your life.
I’m not in anyway saying to give up anything, quite the opposite. All I’m saying is that you cannot pay your way to inner liberation. A “spiritual experience” will not necessarily be the gateway to unending bliss from that moment onwards. And that what you are searching for is not found by linear time, by trying to hit a goal, an end point.
It is only found in the present moment. A memory came to me yesterday, a rememberance of the joy of little present moments of happiness. I was sat on the steps of the cathedral in the centre of the capital of Slovenia eating the most incredible gourmet icecream (dark chocolate and raspberry, pistachoi and white chocolate. It’s important you know this specific information apparently, because it was so tasty that it needs to be honoured). I watched as a man was playing the concertina, children were dancing around giant bubbles in the marketplace, a woman cycled past with a puppy and flowers in her basket and a couple of street musicians serenaded me. The scene around me was so stereotypically quaint and european. And in that moment I thought to myself, this is perfect, I’m happy. Just when I paused the journey of searching for completion, giving myself a moment to relax and enjoy this, right here, right now. I felt most whole, happy and myself.
Through over ten years of dedicated spiritual searching I’ve lost count of the amount of life altering transformational experiences I’ve had. Kundalini awakening bringing me into total bliss and stillness, meditating on sacred hilltops for hours at sunrise, deeply humbling sacred encounters and pilgrimages, crying on the floor in deep reverence, magical adventures in forests where all appears to come alive around me, as if I am in some avatar fantasy world. Sacred journeys across other continents, travelling to other dimensions while taking sacred plant medicines in the Amazon rainforest. Moments that I treasure so deeply in my heart. And yet I eventually float back down to earth. The moment I think, yes this is the moment where I will stay in this bliss for all of eternity, I eventually hit the ground. I remember one particular time on the Tor at Glastonbury where I self-proclaimed after 2 hours of meditation in the freezing wind that yes I was enlightened….*cue Angelic singing*. After a brief feeling of excitement, I eventually came to my car, realised that I was hungry and as I slowly drifted back to this earthly realm I gently laughed at myself and said “yeh…nice try”.
Because being spiritual is far beyond the highs, the feelings of transcendental bliss (however lovely they feel). Spirituality to me is inherent in all. In every moment, every day, every experience is an opportunity to be present. To see what is here for you to experience and what it teaches you about yourself. Some of the hardest, most challenging experiences have completely turned my life around, giving me the contrast to refine my life course and decide what I really wish to experience. Moments that are highly challenging have given me the opportunity to respond with love and compassion or run away. To really put what I believe into practice. To hold the hand of someone who is deeply frightened, who has hit rock bottom. To not turn away from someone’s grief but be present with them, to witness them. I am grateful for them all and I am grateful for the ability to discern. To see beyond it all, to witness it from a place of clarity. To see the opportunity in every moment.
And so the point I wanted to make was that you are always you. You are a spiritual being, a soul of absolute perfection, no matter what is happening right now. I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your heart. That inner core where nothing needs to be done to make you better. You are perfect just as you are. So relax a little knowing that actually you are good enough right now, in this moment. That inner light can never be taken, be dimmed, be, stolen, be added to or subtracted from. It is your true essence. It is yours to keep.
And this is where the fun begins. Because just that remembrance and owning of your wholeness right now. Your shift in perspective, turns the world outside of yourself from a striving for healing, wealth and happiness. A path of strife, an unhill struggle into an uplifting adventure. Where experiences can be viewed, not as the latest solution to make you better, to give you back your wholeness, but as an opportunity to explore, unearth, discover and play with aspects of yourself. (Yes that sounds a little dodgy, you know what I mean…moving on). Different archetypes, elements of expression, ways of existing in the world. Embodying a sense of lightness and childlike wonder. You see life more as an opportunity to experience the new. It becomes a game. Where you can be whatever you want to be. There are no limits.
It reminds me of when children play pretend. They know that they are them. But for this afternoon they will be adventurers trekking through the rainforest, they will be mummies and daddies, getting married, playing home. They will be firefighters, doctors and nurses. They will be sailors exploring the seven seas, animals burrowing into the ground, they will climb trees and howl like monkeys, explore space as astronauts, be mad scientists, zoo keepers. But at the end of the day they will pack down the latest version of “them”. That role they are acting. Thrown away with no attachment, ready to start the next adventure.
And so this is me reminding you, letting you off the hook, taking the weight off your back, all that baggage that says you are unworthy. Here I am giving you permission to shed it right now. Just like that. It is done. Ahhhhh that feels better right?
Now let’s go out and play :)