Hello gorgeous beings,
Ok so by now I’m sure you realise that I try to focus on the positive, the beauty in life and love. This is a very important practice to cultivate, as it really turned my life around, made me more grateful to be alive and on a day to day basis helps me see with more clarity and joy.
However I think in the spiritual community we can sometimes feel that we SHOULD maintain that angelic pure loving presence 100% of the time, with the fear that we are failing in someway every time we slip up and fall into the darkness even for just one thought. We scold ourselves that we aren’t being grateful enough, focusing enough on pure spirituality, but more on the human “shallow” experience, trying to be a metaphysically pure being. Sound familiar? Isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on ourselves and by only focusing on the pure aren’t we somehow deny ourselves of the variety and all-encompassing of the human experience. You can see beauty and spirituality in all aspects of the human experience. Working in healthcare I often see suffering, but I also feel that there is a lot of spiritual potential, honesty in the experience and beauty in the integrity of showing your human suffering. Why always deny that, when its such an important part of who we are and the lessons it brings us so valuable!
During my ayahuasca experiences and trying to bring myself back into a state of good health and realised how much I deny the darkness in myself to the point where I don’t even have access to it anymore. That might sound good in the short-term, but if you bury something down within yourself it eventually finds an outlet in your body to express itself. For me it was numbness and pain, signalling to me that I had numbed my feelings down to make them “safer”.The story behind this was quite traumatic in that during my teenage years after years of depression, suicide attempts and self harm I had decided that to be safer and carry on living I would need to deny my negativity as I would just get so lost in it that I didn’t know how to get out again. I would get trapped in this dark hole of despair that I would sob uncontrollably praying for a way out of it. This self-preservation decision of denying my darkness saved my life ultimately.
It served me well, it was my way of taking care of myself, but ultimately it got to a stage where it controlled me rather than got me through a difficult time in my life. When I realised this after the ceremony I was sobbing in the group meeting surrounded by about 20 people and all I could say was that I just need to feel, I need to let it out, that darkness and sadness just needed to be expressed through me to be lighter and let it out. I needed to grieve for that poor sad girl I was and to say sorry to myself.
Although I believe in embracing your light and joy I think to do that you need to not be afraid of yourself, afraid of your own darkness or the darkness around you. For me some of the most life transforming spiritual experiences I’ve had have been letting go of things that no longer serve me with an open heart, facing my own shadow head on and loving myself in all my states of being. By doing this I feel that the joy, the clarity and love naturally want to bubble up to the surface as I’ve been listened to and accepted. I’ve embraced my vulnerability and ironically it has made me more powerful!
This weekend after hoping to have a lovely weekend it all went a little wrong. All week I’d been saying that I felt that my heart was under pressure, that I needed to cry or something, to let something out, but felt that it was just physical at the time and there was no emotion behind it to get to the root of it. I feel that vibrationally sometimes certain influxes of frequencies on the planet facilitate us to open up to more light, but in doing so we have to have a reshuffle and let some stuff go to make space. It can all be a bit intense.
I felt a bit bored and unmotivated to do anything for most of the day, I just wanted to lie in bed really. Then by the afternoon I changed to the opposite, climbing the walls and itching to get out. I decided to go for a drive to the beach where I used to hang out with my old friends for years, having bbq’s, playing music on the beach and watching the stars.
As I drove past the familiar places I felt nostalgic, some joy and some sadness for those nice experiences that had now passed. I am so grateful and love my life now, so would never want to go back in time, sometimes though you just wish you could live over certain fun parts and really enjoy it to the full. It was weird being somewhere that I was such a different person in and now I was back there alone, as if I was an archaeologist looking at the old pieces of my life. I felt sad that I can never reenact those good times that have past, same as you can look at old pictures from victorian times and be fascinated with the past but never bring that back and view it exactly as it was.
I sat on the beach for about one minute, getting absolutely blown around like a rag doll lol before giving in and heading back to the car. I really like being in the wind and having it metaphorically “blow off the cobwebs” in any stagnant energy, so that I feel renewed. However in this case I got a bit too battered by nature ;) As I drove home and unable to get hold of any friends to hang out with I was consumed with so much loneliness and sadness that I just started uncontrollably crying. All I could think was that I just felt so alone, I missed having a group, a community, support and togetherness. I felt that I wasn’t just letting out the grief of losing old friendships and relationships over the years, but some deep part of me remembers that togetherness of my soul with a group I belong to so deeply and lovingly that I just felt so heartbroken in that moment not having it around me.
Sometimes you need to just be overdramatic, let it all out, embrace your ugliness and just be with it. After weeks of feeling that I needed to cry to let something out it felt good to have the opportunity to express it and create more space within me.
So after my little meltdown my question is do you feel a stuckness or sadness in your body, do you want to have the courage to face your shadow and realise how beautiful you are anyway and will you love yourself enough to be safe in expressing that, forgiving yourself or someone of something that has weighed you down for years. Are you ready to set yourself free and feel lighter for the experience. If yes then so much love to you brave being and if not today, then that’s ok, there is no rush! just nurture yourself as you are, take care of that lovely little vulnerable and yet very strong being you are, as you are so beautiful just the way you are. love love love xyx