Ok so the last few weeks (and now months…) I have put off sharing this part of my Peruvian adventure just because it was so profound that I knew it would take me a while to put it into words and I felt like I was still integrating and understanding some of its lessons so here we go……
After a magical peaceful beautiful week in the mountains of Peru we headed to Iquitos for the second leg of our journey. Stepping off the plane we noticed a huge difference, being hit by a wave of humidity after the brisk mountain air. Stepping out of the airport we met our guide and headed to the hotel in a motor taxi (basically a motorbike with a buggie attached). It was definitely a fun way to travel in style after a whole day of sitting in airports and travelling by plane. Our groups taxis started racing each other, weaving through traffic. I should have been worried about crashing, but I was really enjoying the reckless freedom of peru, everyone does what they want and just gets on with it but I never felt particularly unsafe. We got to our hotel late at night and were overwhelmed by the noise. Beeping, a music festival next door, people shouting, laughing, on drugs, dogs yelping. lol definitely not a place to relax :P I felt really uneasy like I’d made a mistake coming here, even the dogs looked strung out and mangey lol.
My boyfriend became very ill that night and we were worried we wouldn’t make it to the jungle so were making back up plans, but part of us knew we were here now for a reason even though I wanted to be back in the mountains at that point. The tour guide brought us some jungle medicine for fever to pour on his skin and it seemed to really help and he was much better the next day which was a huge relief.
The next day we took a boat taxi out to a little zoo on the amazon river. It was a place where they rescued animals that had been kept in zoos, as pets and for criminal activity (pick-pocket monkeys) and rehabilitated them to be set back into the wild. We saw beautiful butterflies, a jaguar, sloths (in love!) and lots of monkeys. That evening we started to mentally prepare for the week ahead and the walk to the jungle.That night there was the most immense storm with the heaviest rain I’ve ever seen and the sky lit up constantly with lightning. We knew we were in for a muddy walk!
The next day we started the boat trip to our retreat along the amazon river and met our group who all seemed really nice. The 45 minute walk from the boat to the retreat centre was fun lol. It wasn’t as hard as I thought as it wasn’t too hot but it was very slippery!
Getting to the retreat centre and settling in I was surprised by the vibrancy of life there. The dogs had just had puppies so there were 7 tiny very cheeky puppies running around demanding lots of attention, lots of baby chicks and baby ducks, a black bird with a red beak that was especially naughty and would steal anything it could get its hands on, beautiful butterflies, monkeys in the trees and bright yellow and red caterpillars. Our tambo was basic but had a nice bed with mosquito net. As a couple tambo we had a screen and then a toilet that you flush with water from the lake. We decided a one in one outside system would help us keep our dignity as a couple :P
The ayahuasca diet is very basic with mostly rice, beans, fruit, shredded vegetables with no oil, salt or herbs but I actually really enjoyed it most of the time and felt really good from it. At times we were quite hungry as in the evenings you do ayahuasca you don’t have dinner, so as you can imagine the boys were having a bit of a moan at times :P
The funny thing is that I had made up my mind not to do ayahuasca. I had heard some negative things about it and had some negative assumptions that put me off, but once I got there I felt safer and decided that I was there for a reason so I was going to have a very small dose just to try and see what happened. As I said in my previous post I was ill over the summer so I was hoping that I could get deeper into the route cause of my illness and help me to heal.
So down to the ceremonies….and this is where I stopped writing in September as I still didn’t feel ready to try to put it all into words but now in February 2015 I feel its time to integrate it all together at last.
Ceremony 1: We were all arranged in a large circle around the tambo with our own individual mattress, soft blanket (this made me happy lol) and colourful sickbowl (classy). I felt nervous but felt that it was right for me to have this experience. As it was the first ceremony and I had so much going on with my health I asked the ayahuasca how to heal and purify myself. I walked up to the shaman to take my very small dose compared to everyone else. It was a sweet syrupy liquid, it tasted kind of like a gloopy prune juice, slightly alcoholic. I actually quite liked the taste and the way it made my insides feel warm. After everyone had their turn the shaman blew the candle out in the middle of the room and the ceremony began. I quickly rushed to the toilet thinking it was better to wee now rather than be incapacitated and then need to go lol.
When I got back I started to feel a calming heaviness in my body and lay back into the feeling. The shaman songs were really hypnotic and comforting. As I lay there I started to see colours in my vision with my eyes closed. It started with bright colours all circling around, flowers, tropical animals like toucans. It was quite fun and entertaining so I followed the patterns and images from one to the next. I prayed to the ayahuasca and said please be kind to me and not go too painfully deep into my issues but ease me into it throughout the ceremonies. The ayahuasca teased me a little with love that I could be a wimp if I wanted to be, the options there to deal with my darker stuff when I feel ready, but for now it would put on a pretty colourful light show for me to be entertained.
At this point I started seeing some weird colorful fairy creatures in this multicoloured tropical world I was in. They came closer to me and were very excitable. I remember saying to them to please not force their energy on me too quickly as they were very scatty and it was making me feel a bit dizzy and overwhelmed. There was then a whole scene from Frozen with fairy beings singing “let it go” to me and telling me to smile and take lessons from everything around me, movies music etc as they all had simple but profound messages for me to learn from.
After this first world I entered a more calm phase and was in a scene where a number of Native American elders performed a ritual to cleanse and purify me. They cleansed my crown chakra with water and I felt the flowing feeling through my whole head, it felt amazing. They then purified me with air throughout my body and I felt all the stagnant energy floating away. At this point I realised I didn’t have to be all dark and puking and suffering to purify myself as I was led to believe the ayahuasca would do to me. Having a gentle experience wasn’t any less powerful. After this cleansing nurturing ceremony I became an eagle and flew around Machu Pichu and then realised that I could touch the sacred stone at the top that we weren’t allowed to touch in real life. I did this and received its healing energy. I also did some sould integration work and asked that all parts of myself i’d lost along the way be attracted back to me like a magnet and saw flickers of light coming back to me and felt more energised.
The ceremony was coming to a slow close with the shaman signing to everyone individually and fanning us with leaves. I felt peaceful and happy and slept in the tambo until morning.
Ceremony 2: This one was a little more of a weird mishmash of randomness. I can’t quite remember what I asked and after becoming focused and ready for the ceremony a cockroach fell on my head. This obviously took me out of a centred place lol so I think a lot of the ceremony reflected my emotion of disgust hehe and it wore off more quickly than the first ceremony vision wise. I remember seeing a lot of not very nice images like weird deranged cartoon rabbits and other strange ugly cartoon figures, rainbow coloured spiders, snakes. Funnily I wasn’t afraid though, I was just like “why are you showing me all this, it’s not scaring me, it’s just a bit lame and weird really, Id rather be focusing on something a bit more exciting please.” At one point I was in a dark mud room like a basement where I was trapped. I found a chimney to escape out of and then it was filled with mud trapping me. Again I wasn’t afraid at all I was just like “I’m not staying here, I’m not afraid, all I have to do is think outside of here, there’s no way you can trap me” and the vision faded. I found it quite satisfying that I could face images of fear and just be completely confident in the face of it. I remember at one point I was on a wooden bridge and I saw some native shamans of the rainforest looking at me from over the bridge, they had jaguar skins on and other hunting gear. They just seemed curious to come and say hello rather than to give me any guidance. I also saw some images of multidimensional beings with white hair that were posing as kinder beings but then had fangs and disappeared when I questioned them. I have carried a lot of fear around with me that I felt was being addressed at least. At this point the images were not as strong and people’s torches kept shining in my eyes when they were going to the toilet so in the end I decided to let the visions end and focus on the here and now. I sat up and felt how light and pure my body felt. I looked out the window at the beautiful stars and the outlines of the trees and just enjoyed being there in the moment. When the shaman came to end the ceremony I realised that the fanning of the last ceremony was because I didn’t sit up, whereas what he was actually doing to everyone was hitting them on the head with palm leaves to ground them. Was an….interesting experience! He also put my hands in prayer position and blew smoke through my crown chakra and hands. At this point I decided that I liked this man. He had a calm paternal nature and I felt safe with him.
Ceremony 3: In the third ceremony I wanted to travel more and understand more about multidimensional beings like the Pleidians and get wisdom from them. As the ceremony started I really felt my body vibrate strongly and it felt like the floorboards were vibrating and the walls. My ears were hearing the same buzzing of this vibration. It was a very intense physical feeling so I kept changing position when it got too intense but tried to relax into it. I could feel some strong vibrations around my crown chakra and at this point started to get the sinking feeling that there were aliens around me. I have a massive fear of aliens so was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with that fear but secretly knew I would. What really helped during all the ceremonies was when I saw something that worried me if I said the phrase “Are you my teacher” apparently by some universal law if they are not there for your greater good they disappear. I was amazed how this worked so well. When I said are you my teacher and the vibrations and images of aliens continued I decided to try to let go of my fear and see what they wanted to teach me. I felt that there was some kind of psychic surgery going on in my brain. Neurons were getting rearranged, dying bits of tissue were being dissolved and I strongly felt that a metal device was implanted in my brain but I didn’t feel afraid of this (amazingly!) as it felt good. This part of my brain felt more vibrant after. I also felt electronic vibrations around my crown chakra clearing away stagnant energy. I relaxed into it wondering if I would leave my body but the feeling was too much for me to fully let go into and slowly this phase of the ceremony ended and I felt proud at myself for facing my biggest fear with grace and learning from it rather than just running away…screaming!
I then went on a beautiful swirly adventure through different patterns like peacock feathers, through different colours, on ski lifts. In my mind I was willing myself to a higher dimension to speak to beautiful beings but as I carried on this journey I distinctly felt that my mind trying to get me somewhere was not helping, as I was setting up expectations and not relaxing, whereas I needed to just relax and let it happen (which I was trying but failing at hehe). I did see a beautiful array of white dome-shaped houses for a second but wasnt able to enter any closer and then I got to a gate where I met a pleidian woman with purple hair and saw a vast field in front on me with a beautiful sunset and then just as I felt relief at getting there I drifted back down to earth and the vision ended.
As I walked back to my tambo after the ceremony every time I moved my eyes or the torch I saw weird white black and yellow lines in the air around me. I was quite fascinated that I was walking but still seeing things. As we got to a wooden bridge at the lake near our tambo a huge mother toad stood in our way. My boyfriend was scared of it, which had me in giggles as I tried to chase it off the bridge. I looked down and saw loads of eggs and told my boyfriend that it was a mumma just trying to protect its babies.
Ceremony 4: In this ceremony I asked about how we can create more beautiful conscious communities on earth and relate better with each other. I’ve had a lot of issues over the years with relating to people, being confident and worrying what people think of me so knew I really needed to address this. For the first time in this ceremony I started seeing vivid real life images rather the cartoony psychedelic images of the other 3 ceremonies. I saw a beautiful paradise island with white beaches and clear blue water. I was peacefully lying on a white wooden boat relaxing. (My friend had the same image as me in this ceremony of the boat as well as the same vibrations in the third ceremony!). I dived in the water and felt free and happy. I was surrounded by happy vibrant friends. At this point the ayahuasca said that paradise is already here on earth and it isn’t being lazy living a happy vibrant life in the most beautiful parts of the world, you don’t have to be unhappy and serious to make a difference, just having fun you are making a contribution. I also saw images of women in world war 2 army clothing. I felt like this was telling me about the way people thought during times of war. Living for today, more courageous, more community coming together, being a part of a mission. But we don’t need another war to make this happen we just need an intention. This is when the image portion of the ceremony ended and what I will name the pukey phase began. I had felt well for all the other ceremonies which I was grateful for, but made up for it in this one lol. I felt incredibly sick but at the same time felt very lucid and calm. I was consciously very with it and just decided to be here with this feeling and see if I could learn anything from this experience. As I was trying to be sick my body kept stopping me and I found this pattern interesting. I realised that I worried so much what people thought about me all the time I was scared of even making a noise in that ceremony. I also felt that it was a pattern of me to hold back what I feel, to try to keep it in. Pretend I wasn’t feeling anything negative. This pattern was very good for me as a teenager as I let my negativity get so out of control that it was in danger of killing me, so that pattern was essential at that time of my life. However I felt a nurturing part of myself telling me that it no longer served me, that it was now making me ill by denying many parts of myself and it was now safe for me to just let go. I felt a calm vulnerability in me to just be there with the pain and no longer deny it, but to try to fully be there in my body from now on. I fell asleep wrapped up in a ball. The next day I felt quite teary and vulnerable but felt that it was a positive step as I was finally tapping into my real pain rather than denying it.
The 4 ceremonies really took me on a profound journey and I’m very grateful to have the experience. I feel very keen to go back sometime and experience more, as it really helped me in the months that followed. While I was in the jungle my body felt amazing. So purified and light. I think this was a combination of the ayahuasca, food, water, heat and being in nature.
We also walked to the shamans cacao farm and got to eat raw cacao fruit straight from the tree. So yummy! I felt like I was in Charlie and the chocolate factory eating from this bright purple, orange and yellow pods! So beautiful.
We also swam in the lake everyday to clean and had flower and herb baths, as well as mud baths (fun and messy!) and danced with local tribes that came and sung for us. I really treasure this beautiful experience and everyone who made it so memorable :)
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou :)